she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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