so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
