Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
