mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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