i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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