i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
