you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
