everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
