You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
