dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize
