1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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