Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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