i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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