i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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