I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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