don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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