is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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