i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
