Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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