I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
