she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Two words: nipple clamps
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