are you so shy because you have an std?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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