Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
