Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
