Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she told me i tasted like america
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
tell me about the eggs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
