apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
