I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
