dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
