I need help removing her.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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