Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
