Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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