What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize