Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
