I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
