So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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