i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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