Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
