And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
