you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
