I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
