I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
