I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
