tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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