If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
