Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
