you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
whose parrot is this?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
