i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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