I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
