some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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