had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
