hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
