soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
