i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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