i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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